Dominitus (dominitus) wrote,
Dominitus
dominitus

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I forgot to put a subject heading, so I edited my post and added this. Raaaaay! :S

Why is it that people only post on their journal when they have negative stuff to say? I guess it's because we all need to vent, and on some level we want understanding and empathy. I give so much of it myself that sometimes I forget I too deserve it. I won't say that I'm being used, or that I'm used to being walked over - I don't stand for that. I'll go out of my way to help my friends, and if asked for help I will almost always give it without hesitation. But most people aren't like me. They'll help, but they're reluctant. You shouldn't need to be FORCED to be kind, empathetic and understanding - especially towards your friends. People are too used to having things done for them. Some people could do with a great big kick up the arse.

And hey, I'm the first one to say I'm not perfect - even though I've been accused of it. But those people are only saying it because I'm smarter (or at the very least, more clever) than THEY are - I know my own limitations, I know when something is above me, I have a rough gague on just how intelligent I really am. At least, I know my strengths and weaknesses. Back on my original point, I'm guilty of sometimes letting others do things for me that I don't want to do. But I think that's okay, sometimes. As long as it doesn't become a habit, or something that becomes a problem. Like, say, the cleaning. :P

I'm not making a point here, just observations. My feet hurt. My back hurts. I've had, for no good or apparent reason, a bad day. I feel drained, tired, fucking annoyed at the world and grumpy. I would've liked nothing else but to come home, collapse in to my girlfriend's arms and spent the next hour or so in silence, just being held. Alas, she's at work, and won't be getting here until at least 1am or so - at which point SHE will probably have sore feet, sore back, itchy skin, and a need for holding and silence.

Every time I post here, I get the feeling that no one is reading. Note that this is not a subtle hint - nor even a blatent one - to comment on this post or subsequent ones. I have a rough idea of who is really reading and who isn't, but I'm still torn between two thoughts.

My first thought is that I want more people to hear what I have to say. Why write if it's not going to be read? I don't need to read this. This 'journal' is not some kind of personal journey for me. I have occasionally read back on past entries, but in the few years I've had this journal, those times have numbered maybe twice. This journal is for others to see. See my thoughts, feelings, opinions - whatever. So I want to be seen by more people.

The other thought is that while I want to be read by more people, this is still a 'private' journal. If I wanted to be read by more people, wouldn't I simply post everything in public? I would. But I don't, because I want to be read by people that I know, who know me, and I share a level of understanding with - and trust.

I'm always concious of just how much personal information I reveal in here - even in my friends only posts - because I've been around the net enough to be wary of people who would misuse my information in various ways. I've already had someone threaten me (hollow though the threat was) with a slander lawsuit unless I took one of my rants offline. The rant was about a completely crap PC store in my hometown which has caused me nothing but grief, and I wanted to warn people about them. It got caught by a search engine bot, and was displayed as a link when someone tried to search for the store's webpage. It contained stuff such as my describing them as slobs and retarded monkeys... here's an excerpt:

We head down to Enisun Computers, where one person is buying a PC, and myself and one other are bringing ours in for repairs. No wonder the guy buying looked nervous. I would too, if I was buying from Enisun. I would also be cringing slightly, pained from the staples in my head holding the "THIS PERSON IS A FUCKING RETARD FOR EVEN THINKING OF BUYING A COMPUTER FROM ENISUN, BECAUSE HE ACTUALLY KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING AND CAN BUILD ONE HIMSELF! WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING AT ENISUN?" sign in place (it would be very big, and in Arial 72 bold font... so there may be multiple peices of paper, and hence multiple staples. I'd probably look like that guy from the cover of Office Space).

It's actually a cracking rant. One of my good mates has even got me to email it to him a couple of times, both for his reading pleasure (he saw the original when it was still online) and to quote/paraphrase to other people asking about the company. Anyway, one of the store owner's friends noticed this rant and collected information on me via my blog before contacting me on MSN, saying I should be careful what I give away online becuase it was enough information for him to 'view me at work'. This disturbed me enough to take heed of his advice. He was a dickhead tosser wanker, but he was still right. I took the rant down, but I was young and didn't know exactly what I could get away with. These days if the same thing happened, I'd tell him to go fuck himself, and look for ways of getting the rant out to even MORE people. God bless freedom of speech. Incidentally, if anyone wants a copy of the original rant, let me know. :)

****

Five or six months ago, a customer left a mobile phone behind on my register. I didn't notice for a while, because it wasn't easily viewable from where I was standing. After finding it, I kept it on my register, waiting for him to come back and get it, but he never did. The phone rang a couple of times, but I couldn't answer while serving customers. After my shift, I handed it in and suggested I take it home with me, because then if he rang it I could tell him how to get it back - if I simply handed it in and they put it in a drawer or up in the office, the guy would never see it again, because no one would answer it to tell him where it was.

As it turns out, this is exactly what happened. I'd forgotten all about it until yesterday, when one of the duty managers took me aside and gave me the phone back. No one had come to claim it, so it was a case of 'finders-keepers'. I was surprised, and very happy! "Are you sure?" I said, doubting my own good luck.
"Sure man, take it, you should have it."
"Well.. thanks! Thanks man, this is awesome!"
"Hey, of course! You deserve it, you're a nice guy!"

Well if that wasn't icing on the cake? A free phone (Nokia 7260) and being told that I deserve it cause I'm a nice guy. It made me think back on that day, and how I'd acted towards him and my fellow employees. I mean, that guy could have kept the phone, and no one would have been any the wiser. But he'a s nice guy, always smiling, joking and generous. And I've always tried to be the same - I generally get along with everyone, and I'm well mannered, polite and generous. So... yeah. I thought, "Yeah. Maybe I DO deserve it." That felt just as good.

****

I'm still really enjoying my photoshop lessons. I finish up so quickly that I've been given extra stuff to do, which is good. I need to be occupied. The teacher can't be everywhere at once, so when I can, I go around and help out my classmates with whatever they're stuck on. It's a lot of fun, I'll be kind of disappointed when we finish up with it in a week or so.

Last thing before I go. Hannah gave me my Christmas present the other day. Yes, that's right, my CHRISTMAS present. But hey, I wasn't in a rush for it. :)
It's Terry Pratchett's new Discworld book, and I'm very much looking forward to reading it. In fact, I've already started, but it was so good that I had to put it down. Take a sec for that one to sink in. ;) I was gaming as well as reading, and I just couldn't devote all my attention to it. I'm considering devoting an entire day to it, where I just start reading in the morning and finish the whole book in one day. I want it to be like a movie, where the plot is uninterrupted from beginning to end. I wouldn't forget any little bit of information, then. But I'm so keen to read it, that I just don't know if I can put it off until... err.. the day after tomorrow. Maybe I'll have the willpower. Just. ;)

Take care, all.

.:Dominitus:.
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